[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?