I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in