The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
put ‘er there pardner!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point