Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??