Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”