[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Otters see a butterfly.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
dutch is not a serious language