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the best thing i’ve ever made
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
When someone trying to leave me
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired