17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
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Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur