After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Customer is always right
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.