The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring