Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Truth
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
sensitive skin
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.