Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro