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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
a lot to unpack here
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Who does Amazon think I am?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
britain’s three elite institutions
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..