Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us