the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.