My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?