This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
one of
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now