*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”