Big Sex has us all fooled
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you