HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Lmao
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Have kids, they said
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected