CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
You Might Also Like
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Nothing to do, you say?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off