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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Breakfast for Stoners:
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING