Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Somebody’s lying.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.