Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
we did it you guys we saved daylight
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂