When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.