So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Good morning!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
good for her
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.