When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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Skills
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*