I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Wait for it
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.