I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I am, perchance
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old