I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Finally, a door that understands me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Gods work.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
still the best tweet of the year by far
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*