I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.