it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You have been warned.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.