[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!