[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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he chose this
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?