My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise