FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.