Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.