When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Oh. My. God.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat