Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Every. Damn. Time.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*pronounces woah like Noah*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.