Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
congratulations to them
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Geez man, take it easy.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.