Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady