Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
getting old is fun
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.