[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
i choose….tongue
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.