Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him