I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you