Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
this post was so formative to me
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.