Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
You Might Also Like
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.