Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away