I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
i dont have time for this
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.