My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Cinematography is my passion
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.